My decision for the better

Back to school was much better than I expected! I wasn't that tired (yeah, I'll take that back tomorrow) and I had fun. I loved seeing my friends again and I have been switched into two classes that teachers I had in previous years are teaching. They were both two of my fave teachers so I'm thrilled. Oh and I got to drive my baby to school. A bunch of girls found out that I got a car and followed me out to it after school to ride in it! I turned around and there were 10 girls, some I didn't even know, coming to look at my car. They all piled into the back (can you say, "squished") and I drove them to the exit. That was interesting. At least I know I can fit a bunch of people back there!

Okay so now for my big decision that I've been keeping you all from for the last few days. I quit newspaper. And I've never felt happier.

This year's paper was not at all the same as it was last year. This year was much more drama in this class and I couldn't deal with the non organized structure. I was sick of dealing with everyone else's problems and more importantly I just wasn't even loving it anymore. The class was more of a chore to me, and when it gets to be that, than something is wrong. I love journalism and the media, I will be going to college to major in that and I will get into the media business once I graduate college, however highschool journalism is not real journalism. There is a differennce between getting a story about prom year after year, and getting a story about the effects of what the crashed stockmarket did to families.

Also I felt like I was only being allowed to write certain things. Our school is very strict when it comes to publishing things and there are a lot of rules to abide by. You can not write anything against the school, nothing challenging the school's decision, nothing critizing the school. Everything must be all happy all the time, and the real world isn't like that. I want to right those hard hitting news stories and I didn't have the abilitie to do so in that environment.

I will miss newspaper however. There was nothing like getting the joy of seeing my name in print. I loved each and every story that I wrote and I got a kick out of seeing the words, "News Editor" next to my name. I plan on framing all the stories that I did write. I'll also miss the oppurtunities to get awarded for my writing. Winning that news writing award last year for two large counties was one of the best things that I've done carreer wise. However, I know that there will be more time to win more awards in college and in the real world.

Also this past break, I had some altercations with two guys when I had written a review on one. The "article" was blown out of porportion and I had this one guy calling me a "bitch" and questioning my ability as a reporter. The one side of me really wants to stay on the staff and write more and kick it to him, but that wouldn't really make me happy, and that's what it's all about right now. Making me happy and doing what's best for me. I can have the opportunity to kick it to them in several years when I go out and work for a magazine or something.

The responsible, mature side of me is going, "you can't quit", however the other side of me is louder and is telling me, "yes, you need to." In my opionon the class was a slacker class to some and I got tired of picking up the slack for other people. I have enough on my plate and I don't need to go above and beyond for other people anymore. I knew it was time to leave when last semester after each newspaper class I would get huge headaches that would last for hours at a time.

I went and spoke with my guidance counselor today. Hopefully in the next week or so, I will be transfered out of that class and allowed to leave school early every other day. My boss has decided that she wants to go back to work for more hours, so once that begins I will be working every other day from 1-6. What a blessing that is! Not only will I be making more money, but I'll get to spend more time with A before I leave for college. I am very excited and not at all regretting my decision. For once in my life, I feel like I have the freedom to do what I want to do.

I understand that this is not how you deal with things in the real world. Obviously you don't just get up and quit something and I don't think that I will unless I really, really can not stand it anymore and I have another job opening up for me. It's my senior year though and I think I deserve a little "me" time. We weren't printing things that could go in the New York Times.

I'm eternally grateful for my experience and I thank my teacher who trusted me with large responsibilities. She is so amazing and kind and what she does is truly amazing. There is no way I would want to be advisor of highschool newspaper and yearbooks - I would lose my head. I am grateful to the people I worked with too. Both the people that I loved and the people that at times I wish would have fallen into a hole and stayed there. They all taught me something unique in the people skills department and I'll have those life lessons forever.

I told the teacher and a co-editor friend that I would stay on staff and write still if they needed me too. I have acess to a computer at work and my phone is on all the time so they can always call me. For now though, I'm going to be using that time to go take a very happy little 3 year old to storytime and the park. I'm getting lifeskills for another very important job that I'll have in my future - being a mom.

I thank you all for your comments of support and prayers! You guys don't know how much they helped. I struggled with this decision for a long time, until finally I kept getting signs for God telling me that it's okay and that I need to do what will make me happy. It was in everything that I read from Marie Claire to listening to things on the radio - God was sending me clear signs that said it was okay to stop if I really didn't want to do this anymore. He knew that I needed a break and I'll know that He'll provide excellent jobs for me in the future.

I thought that quitting something that I loved so much would be the end of the world. I cried about it and prayed mutliple times. I didn't want to let anyone down and the responsible side of me was outweighing the other side of me that said, "it's time to take care of yourself for a change." Today though, my voice was strong and unwaivering when I told my guidance counselor I needed a schedule change, and when I told my lovely teacher that I needed to quit. I didn't even flinch when she told me that I was going to have to give my editor position to someone else. Instead I said I understood and I wanted someone else to have it, someone else to have the experience (mostly the good) that I did. I already have one girl in mind and I hope that she does very well and wins lots of awards. Her writing style is very similar to mine, so I know she will.

I am very happy right now and I feel free. It was only newspaper that was holding me back, but some other things too. I feel however that standing up for myself was the first thing that I needed to do, and now I can do a lot more for myself. I can be me for the first time in a long time and that make me estatic. I don't feel as if I have to please people all the time anymore, instead I can focus on working on me.

My decision wasn't something I ever thought that I would do in a hundred years. I never thought I would stop doing something I loved so much, but when it got down to it I didn't enjoy it anymore and it was time to close the door on that and move on to bigger and better things. My next goal is to perhaps start writing for a local teen paper that my county newspaper publishes. For right now, though I'll be taking a break from publishing until I can get a firmer schedule set. Of course I always have my blog to write down what I feel so who knows, you may see a few news articles pop up from time to time!

Thank you again friends! You guys are the greatest and I'm happy to be able to share turning points in my life with you - may they inspire someone else.